MELVINS Frontman Claims Touring With WHITE ZOMBIE Was His “Worst Touring Experience”

The Melvins are currently embarking on their 51 Shows in 51 States Tour in which they will do exactly what the tour name suggests. Buzz Osbourne has been keeping a tour diary on Spin.com and his entries are quite humorous. So humorous that I had to post about the most recent one in which Buzz shit talks Rob Zombie and Nine Inch Nails. Highlights include a White Zombie roadie interrupting the Melvins sound check because Rob was eating. He claims he would rather eat his own shit than go through that again. I have posted the whole post below for your viewing pleasure.

“The only other time we ever played in Sioux Falls was in the mid ’90s when we were on tour with Nine Inch Nails. After the show, I watched the cast and crew of NIN do, oh, I’d say $30,000 worth of damage to a brand new arena dressing room. It sounds a lot crazier than it really was, and I wish I could write out the sound of shrugging. Like if you asked me, was I involved in the smashing of a brand new arena dressing room I could go, “Eh [shrug], I guess so.” I fortunately got all of that adolescent vandal behavior out of my system when I was still a teenager.

At my age, smashing the shit out of large objects just doesn’t have the appeal it did for me when I was young. Back then I used to crave destruction like it was sex. I think the only time that kind of hell-raising really works is when you’re young and stupid.

These NIN guys were all younger than me so maybe it was still a turn-on for them and the only explanation I can think of for behavior such as this is that they must have been brought up as heavily sheltered idiots with helicoptering parents who were up their ass about every minute detail of their stupid little lives during what I would imagine to be an extremely boring childhood in some middle America shit hole.

Now unfortunately, as adults, they need to smash the shit out of a wide variety of hotel and dressing rooms and do tons of drugs along the way just to forget that what they really should have done as teenagers was simply kill their overbearing parents….Be that as it may, I can still think of better ways to blow 30 grand.

This was NIN’s Downward Spiral tour, which ended up being the bands zenith, meaning it was their biggest and most interesting album along with the biggest and most semi-interesting point in their career. I honestly didn’t know much about NIN before this tour.

I mean I knew they were popular with the MTV baby rock crowd and that they had sold a lot of records but I had never actually listened to one of them. Why would I? I usually have no interest in checking out what sort of bands the baby rockers dig. This is as a result of almost always hating whatever bands the baby rockers dig.

That’s not hard to do. The baby rockers are wrong. Wrong about everything actually.

I had seen the NIN video they had out then that looked like a total burn of a Joel-Peter Witkin photo. The video was OK, I guess, and surprisingly enough the chorus to this baby rocker hit was “I want to fuck you like an animal,” which I couldn’t get my head around because the music that goes along with this “fuck-you-like-an-animal” sex boast sounds like weak, elevator music synth crap and would by no means lead you to believe the singer is capable of doing anything “like an animal.” I suppose he could get fucked like an animal, but that’s not what he’s saying.

I suppose he could be writing in the “third person,” but I ain’t buying that either.

Anyway, they were pretty good live for a band like this, but I do remember the drummer telling me that they probably couldn’t even do a live show without backing tapes running pretty much the whole show. Whatever. At least NIN and their heavy-duty arena crew were nice to us and that whole tour, despite the rock and roll posturing horseshit was a cake walk compared to the next band we did a big wheel “arena” tour with, which was White Zombie…

Easily the worst touring experience of my entire life was the White Zombie tour we did. I could write a whole book about that infernal bullshit. On the first day of the tour, the first person we met from the entire White Zombie cast and crew was a mullet headed road manager who ended up behaving like a mean version of Cotton Mather.

He was a “professional” roadie. Now I have never met a group of people who hate music more than professional roadies, and it is clearly obvious that 99.9 percent of them know nothing at all about music. Nothing. I find this to be quite strange really. It’s like someone who works in a bakery knowing nothing about baking. Actually this also extends to most of the bands these guys work for as well, but I pretty much lump all of these bands and crew into one big sewage pit. It’s fitting.
Mr. Mullet told us straight up that he was going to see to it that we got fucked over every night PA-wise in order to not piss off his boss, the swollen White Zombiedictator Rob Zombie. And it just went from there. He openly told us that Rob acted a prick to him, and that’s how life on the road was going to go for us as well.

Perfect. One insane thing after another every day for the whole tour. On one of the few times we actually got a soundcheck, Mr. Mullet came on stage and pulled the plug because Rob was eating and that we were to “shut the fuck up” because he didn’t like the “noise.”

My instant thought was what the fuck is he eating, a Faberge Egg omelet? I’d been to their catering and it was the same swill they always serve at these horrid rock’n’roll extravaganzas which amounts to nothing more than disgusting macaroni and cheese type garbage and an assortment of what appears to be dead things in jelly.

You’d think he’d want some kind of booming symphonic distraction to help disguise the fact that he’s eating a big plate of steaming dog shit. Or so you would think….

And the idiocy didn’t stop there. Rob did this between song speech every night that consisted of unintelligible talking gibberish delivered in a “heavy metal” guttural grunt, and at some point he inevitably started saying “they said we couldn’t do it, they said it couldn’t be done.” Which I’m guessing is in reference to them surprisingly being able to peddle another million records to their highly gullible brainless fans. I’m not sure why he thought his dull minions needed to know this. Their entire thing was just dumb.

Don’t get me wrong, it was all our fault for doing a stupid tour like that in the first place and I certainly can’t blame them for that. We accepted the offer! Big mistake on our part but we did learn our lesson as a result of that stupidity. I think it’s a bad idea for us to try to sell our band like that.

Actually, we believed that then as well, but it was their idea to have us along and for some reason that remains a mystery to me, they paid us pretty well.

But those days are over for us. Now, I would rather eat my own shit then do another tour with people who behave like that. Actually if not my own, then who’s shit would I eat? That’s a good question….”

-Lane Oliver

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